She lets me sleep...

On days like today.. when my energy is low and her spirit is high. Such a motherly little creature, she is. I curled up on the love seat with a freshly washed blanket (the one I stole from the hospital the day she was born : O). She pulled the blanket higher and brought me a soft princess doll to cuddle with and kissed my head.

After my nap we went to Lowe's and picked out the lettuce seeds that we will plant in the next few weeks. She sat at the newly marked down fire-pits and looked through a book about birds and bird houses. Then we made our way Uptown to a coffeeshop where we made up rules to a game we were unfamiliar with... ha. The story of my life!

But yeah. She's magical that one.

And she's everything my heart needs on days like these..

I want to live in a city where a walk after sundown doesn't feel like a dare.

Because that is a horrible feeling.

My darling little lady decided she wanted to go for a long walk today. We were visiting a friend near our favorite coffeeshop and park and the sun had gone down far enough for the city to only be lit by streetlights and the occasional car headlights.

We walked, hand-in-hand with her occasionally nearly tripping over bumpy sidewalks and flimsy flip-flops. We circled the block- picking flowers and stopping at the park water fountain.

Around the corner a man pacing in the middle of the street wished a good night and I smiled and nodded, but walked faster as his "friends" on bicycles neared him. I don't like that feeling. I don't want to feel that feeling- that threatened feeling. I read recently on a city blog a heads-up to that little boys - 11-12 years old had been circling the area on bicycles checking car doors. I've heard stories more times that I can count on one hand about people - usually youths- riding up on people walking the neighborhood after dark and assaulting them or simply pushing them down and taking what they want. It hurts my heart. And it makes me feel scared and unsafe and too on guard and ready for a fight (which, good luck to me if it ever goes down).

I looked over my shoulder every two seconds from that corner to my car. I've mentally prepared myself for years for a potential mugging. I know far too many victims of crime here (burglaries, assault, muggings) to ever let my guard down for too long. Maybe I just spent too many years in the service industry which just makes you feel like a walking target so often.. Maybe I've just spent far too many years in this city. Or maybe I just want to feel safe. What a sad state of affairs.

Hours move faster before the sun comes up...

or slower... depending on whether you have- like me- given up on sleep.

Every few hours I was awoken by a buzzing... I swatted at the dark air surrounding my head- pulled the covers up close over my sleeping four-year-old- hoping to save her from a restless, itchy sleep.. At more than one point, I had even convinced myself that it was all in my head. That the buzzing was perhaps my subconscious torturing me for some unknown crime..

But no. Once I submitted to the fact that I would just no longer be sleeping and got up the buzzing continued only now it had a face and a body. a little ugly mosquito face and a little ugly plump mosquito body. (I can only assume a plump one because the bastard NEVER LANDS.) And once I find it, blood will be shed OH how the blood will be shed. I'll probably even leave it's little bloody corpse pasted to the wall with all of it's other evil little mosquito friends who have deprived me of sleep in the past... ohhhhh there's that buzzing again..

OH SWEET BABY JESUS

I just found blog after early twenties blog and oh my god I'm dwelling on who could've seen it. UGH. and i deleted it but I know nothing is ever REALLY deleted and i'm sure it's still floating around out there in cyberspace and I totally wanna VOMIT. ugh.

Live and learn. And then die and relive it so you can learn from it again (pretty sure). ugh. ugh. ugh.

I have plans; I have faith...

And maybe that's what gets me in trouble..

So I'm about to enter into my last two semesters of college. And in my attempt to face the facts head on, I added all my school debt up annnnnnd have been completely overwhelmed and sad since. I'm 40k in the hole. And scared shitless, basically. I feel like I need to go to grad school to get anywhere, y'know: to pull us out, maybe, to pull it together. but then I'm more in debt. So I'm sort of at a loss. but hopeful. but hopeful's what got me in this mess...

hmph.

Yeah.. Maybe.

Today she asked me in her wonderfully, simple, four-year-old way: "well, how about you be a writer, then?"

We were talking about what she wanted to be when she grows up... She told me she doesn't want to be a doctor because she wants to stay with me forever.. She said "maybe a dentist then. Do Mommies get to..." I cut her off.

Me: "I'll stay with you as long as you need me to stay with you."

Her: "Well maybe we can have houses next to each other?!"

Me: "Absolutely! And maybe a garden?"

Her: "Yeah!"

But yeah. I had been telling her that I wanted to be a dentist for a little while when I was small. But mostly I always wanted to be a writer. She asked that question with a pensive look on her face.. one that hurt me a little bit. Maybe one that made me think that she sensed my thinking, my assumption (and what I assume many Mother's assume). That this is it. This is it. This. is. it. This is what I do. There is nothing else. And while I love being her mommy... while I love so much of this whole "mom" thing.. this isn't it. This isn't all there is to me. But man-oh-man... if I had to amount to one single thing and nothing more.. This would totally be it. ; )

She's Four.

And she's amazing.

We decided to wait on a "big birthday" until later (summer-ish), but we did made a cake. Well, we made two cakes. While we do quite a bit of baking 'round these parts, I don't use a lot of boxed cake mixes... And I unfortunately didn't realize that it should be made in a large, rectangle pan and not a small, round pan... So mild disaster. But a second boxed cake mix made things all better. AND we got to snack on the crumbled mountainous mess of the first. I mixed food dyes in attempt to make her vanilla icing purple, but it ended up being lavender and she really wanted to put all ten of the sparkly glitter-enhanced candles on her cake.. So, yeah.

She also requested "a big bowl" of egg drop on her birthday. So we went to one of my favorite restaurants that just so happened to be almost directing across the street (a block down) from where I pushed her into the world four years ago today.. And she ate sooooo much (including a second round of fried noodles). Then the waitress brought us some awesome cookie-dough and fried bananas and we totally almost finished. So yummy.

So, yeah. All's well that ends well. Here's to another one!