Hours move faster before the sun comes up...

or slower... depending on whether you have- like me- given up on sleep.

Every few hours I was awoken by a buzzing... I swatted at the dark air surrounding my head- pulled the covers up close over my sleeping four-year-old- hoping to save her from a restless, itchy sleep.. At more than one point, I had even convinced myself that it was all in my head. That the buzzing was perhaps my subconscious torturing me for some unknown crime..

But no. Once I submitted to the fact that I would just no longer be sleeping and got up the buzzing continued only now it had a face and a body. a little ugly mosquito face and a little ugly plump mosquito body. (I can only assume a plump one because the bastard NEVER LANDS.) And once I find it, blood will be shed OH how the blood will be shed. I'll probably even leave it's little bloody corpse pasted to the wall with all of it's other evil little mosquito friends who have deprived me of sleep in the past... ohhhhh there's that buzzing again..

OH SWEET BABY JESUS

I just found blog after early twenties blog and oh my god I'm dwelling on who could've seen it. UGH. and i deleted it but I know nothing is ever REALLY deleted and i'm sure it's still floating around out there in cyberspace and I totally wanna VOMIT. ugh.

Live and learn. And then die and relive it so you can learn from it again (pretty sure). ugh. ugh. ugh.

I have plans; I have faith...

And maybe that's what gets me in trouble..

So I'm about to enter into my last two semesters of college. And in my attempt to face the facts head on, I added all my school debt up annnnnnd have been completely overwhelmed and sad since. I'm 40k in the hole. And scared shitless, basically. I feel like I need to go to grad school to get anywhere, y'know: to pull us out, maybe, to pull it together. but then I'm more in debt. So I'm sort of at a loss. but hopeful. but hopeful's what got me in this mess...

hmph.